A Healthy Relationship Guide to Deeper Connection

A healthy relationship has more to do with who you are together rather than what you do together. There was a man I heard about who loved to climb mountains. He naturally passed this love of climbing on to his son. As his son got older, they would spend long days together on extensive treks and difficult climbs. They came to know each other's climbing ability so well that many silent hours would pass between them with ease.

Years later, the father developed a cancer which weakened his body considerably. He could no longer accompany his son on any trek beyond the hospital corridors. His adult son would drop by for visits and talk about the climbs they had done in the past - or worse, talk about the weather. He was no longer sure if he had such a healthy relationship with his son after all.

Even though this father and son had spent a lot of time together, they had spent it doing what child psychologists would call "parallel play". Parallel play is common and normal... for two or three year olds. Each person plays alone in a common activity - next to each other but not with each other. A healthy relationship needs more than just parallel play to thrive.

What's Stopping Our Connection to Eachother?

Our culture however, seems to automatically fill our lives with more and more opportunities for parallel play while we unwittingly disengage from each other. Teenagers play video games together. Families watch TV or movies together. Children are enrolled in sports that are the epitome of parallel play. Mothers and daughters go shopping together. And just because there might be talking going on, it doesn't mean that it is helping to build healthy relationships. I'm not opposed to any of these activities, (OK, maybe shopping) but they are not substitutes for creating deeper relationships with your loved ones. It seems there is no end to the activities that can fill our lives and distract us from our opportunity to truly connect with each other in a healthy relationship.

"A man who dares to waste one hour of life has not discovered the value of life." - Charles Darwin

Many marriages or friendships dissolve because they were overly based on doing things together. Trying to live a balanced life between work and family can leave little time or energy for the activities you "used to do" with your partner. The bonds created by parallel play are only as strong as your commitment to continuing the shared activity.

I (Steve) had a long-time friend who I used to bike with. But there came a time in our lives where we both got wrapped up in our own worlds and it got harder to coordinate bike rides together. Even though I had known him for longer than most any of my friends and had spent numerous hours riding together, the friendship faded once the rides stopped.

It doesn't always end like my friendship did. Susan and I spent the first year of our marriage bike touring around Europe. And even though we haven't been on an extended bike tour together since then, we have a healthy relationship that has continued to grow over the years. But it's because we have taken the time and focused energy to cultivate our relationship together as a common purpose. Having a shared goal or purpose is much more enduring than merely sharing an activity together.

A Happy Ending (or Beginning)

The same became true for the father and son I was telling you about at the beginning of this article. The father had a lot more time on his hands to contemplate the meaning of life while in the hospital. During that time he realized that even though he loved his son, their relationship was shallower than either of them would have liked to admit. They were missing out on the full potential of what their relationship could be. Gradually, the father began to ask better questions in his conversations with his son. What is really important to you? What are the inner challenges you struggle with? How do you feel about it? What kind of person do you want to become? Even their silent times became a new and deeper kind of knowing and understanding of each other.

A healthy relationship needs time in which the partners can consciously focus on what is right for the growth of their relationship. It needs space to penetrate beneath the busyness and distractions that influence our lives. Time is unfortunately the thing that many people feel most deprived of. But we aren't victims of time.

Time doesn't happen to us, it happens for us.

I encourage you today to ask how you can connect with someone you love in a deeper, more powerful way. It may take some breaking out of old, habitual ways of being together. Find out something new about them. Peel off another layer of the onion. They might wonder what you're up to, or they might even feel a little uncomfortable. That's OK, a deep and healthy relationship is not always a comfy relationship. Once you discover the value of life, you no longer dare to waste it in mediocre, unfulfilling relationships. You can feel better NOW! Be an inspiration for something better. Create the time to BE with someone you love today (even if you have to DO something to make it happen).