Positive Parenting That Can Change Your Family Life

Practicing positive parenting makes a massive difference in how our children perceive and act in the world around them. A parenting article based on research out of Oregon State University studying hundreds of families over 3 generations shows that positive parenting (defined to include parental involvement, parental monitoring of children's activities, warmth and consistency of discipline) not only affects a child's behavior in adolescence, but also affects how the children act when they later became parents. Other research shows an eye-boggling difference between the huge numbers of negative comments a typical child hears in a day compared to the positive comments they receive.

Positive Parenting

Positive parenting can take a tremendous amount of consciousness and energy to maintain regularly. We all sometimes feel drained and at our wits end when immersed in the realities of raising children. Not only does effective parenting require a lot of time, it also stretches us to our limits of what we know. Yes, you can learn good parenting skills from books, seminars or websites like Inspiring-Self-Improvement.com, but there will always be that "edge" where particularly your children can take you.

Keep it Light and Full of Humor

I'm reminded of a time several years ago when we were on a long road trip to Baja with our two boys when one of them was driving all of us crazy. There was simply no way he was going to cooperate to make our time remotely tolerable. I'd finally had it - I was pushed over my "edge". I stopped the car, told him to get out… and then looked at Susan with the dawning realization that I had NO IDEA what I intended to do next! It was just some knee-jerk reaction from my childhood memories. From there I began laughing at myself for the absurdity of the situation. Then Susan and I both started laughing out loud which completely baffled both our boys and had the side effect of calming our young recalcitrant (and me).

Good parenting skills can be learned. But how do we practice positive parenting on a consistent basis? How can we practice effective parenting when our reserves are low? Let's take a look at 4 elements of positive parenting styles and see if we can discover some ways to develop and hone these skills.

1. Be involved with your child.

At first this sounds like a no-brainer. You can't practice positive parenting without being there. But involvement can mean different things to different people. Whether or not you are truly "present" with your child is obvious to them - if not always to you. Life is busy and it's easy to divide your attention with your children when there are so many other demands on your time. It doesn't take as much as you might think.

Spending even 5 minutes with your child where they know they have your undivided attention is invaluable. Let go of any preconceived notions about what your time with them will entail. The actual activity isn't nearly as important as your attention to them. Find out what they love. Find out what they think about. Find out what they are feeling. Let them know you are there simply to be with them. Your involvement creates a feeling of unity and connection that can last for a lifetime. Quality time you spend with your kids is the best investment you can make in their life.

2. Monitor your child's activities.

Although this seems similar to simply being involved as mentioned above, it takes a very different approach. When children are young - especially when they first start walking and running, they need a more vigilant kind of monitoring just to ensure that they won't run out in the street, drink the drain cleaner under the sink, or fall down the stairs. But as the child matures, they will develop in a more grounded way with a certain level of monitoring on the part of the parent.

I'm not talking about "helicopter parenting". That can be detrimental to your child's potential development and individuation. Monitoring simply means noticing. There are all kinds of ways to let your child know that you are aware of who they are and what they are up to without making them feel like they have a nosy and imposing parent.

As children get older, they need less and less from a parent telling them how they should behave. As you notice your child's behaviors (good and bad) - remember to be aware of their path of development. Every child is different in how much guidance they need or want from their parents. A positive parenting approach reminds you to monitor your child with a detached awareness. When you detach your feelings from your child's actions, you will find it easier to communicate your ideas and concerns with them. If you don't have awareness of whom your child really is and what they are up to, how can you be there for them when they need you in a crisis?

3. Show warmth and love.

Most everyone (eventually) responds positively to genuine love given in a warm and comfortable style. It doesn't have to be sappy. Showing warmth and love to your child means you are making a personal connection with them in a way that they understand, appreciate and feel comfortable responding to. Our teenage sons do not appreciate being slathered in kisses like they did when they were two years old. But hugs and massages are still fair game. There are as many ways to show the warmth of your love as there are children. Most people show love in a remarkably similar style to that of their parents. Why not push yourself a little in showing affection for your kids so that they can learn to be more loving too?

Showing warmth and love in your positive parenting approach opens up the doors to the heart of your child. If you can help them to open their heart to love, they will more likely become comfortable with whom they are. They will be more likely to have compassion and understanding for others. They will find their place, their meaning or life purpose more easily. More importantly, they will have learned to love themselves.

4. Be consistent with discipline.

There are many different parenting styles ranging from authoritarian to laissez-faire. While we don't recommend either of these extremes, the style is not as important as the consistency. Kids are remarkably adaptable and resilient. They will find their own path when they become adults pretty much no matter which parenting style you most often use.

However, an inconsistent approach to discipline leaves children floundering - wondering what is appropriate or acceptable. Lack of consistency will tend to inhibit a child's ability to make good choices for themselves. We all want a consistent context from which to live our lives. Think about the times when you have felt the most stressed in life. Many of those times were the result of not knowing what an outcome will be. Positive parenting with consistent discipline gives children stable and predictable boundaries, resulting in emotional health, and respect for themselves and others.

Focus on the Positive

Another way to practice positive parenting is to observe yourself the next time you spend a good amount of time with your child. Try to notice how much of what you say supports who they are and how much degrades or inhibits who they are trying to become. Kids constantly experiment with trying to figure out how the world around them works. They don't have 40 years or so of experience to reinforce their experiences.

Most negative parenting comes from a desire for the parent to feel more in control. Positive parenting requires that you first control yourself before you feel more control as a parent. When you feel that control within yourself, you will feel more gracious toward your children so that you can see what's behind their actions. Offer positive acknowledgement of their ability to make good choices whenever you can see it happening in any shape or form. Pounce on every opportunity you can to support their growth with positive parenting.