Relationship Problem Advice

Many a relationship problem stems from getting stuck with a fixed identity or role in that relationship. What roles do you play in your relationships? How would you describe yourself as a partner? Do you feel adrift in a relationship if you aren't experiencing problems in your relationship?

Patterns of Relationship Problems

We carry numerous different identities with us throughout many aspects of our life. We identify ourselves with what we do for work, our relationship status, our religious beliefs, our involvement in community activities, and the hobbies we enjoy. Within each of these, there are also identities we create that tell ourselves "how we are doing". For example, you might tell yourself that you always have relationship problems, or that you'll never find true love for whatever reason. These kinds of identities are really more like judgments of your self.

Being True to Yourself

To be fair, some judgments you make of yourself can be supportive, but some sound pretty bad too. Although it can be helpful to honestly assess your life, I believe you step over the line when you begin over-identifying yourself with your judgments. If you would instead assess your life as objectively as possible without internalizing the judgmental aspects of it, you would retain more freedom to create new ways of being true to yourself within the context of a relationship. Remember, your beliefs about yourself are really only thoughts that you keep thinking again and again. Notice what your thoughts are and change them if they are keeping you stuck in a role you don't like.

Of course you can still retain your positive identities such as a parent, lover, or peacemaker. However, you would want to get rid of the static role that you and others have negatively felt trapped in/by. On the other hand, it's easy to see why so many people like clear-cut roles and identities. It feels more comfortable to be able to predict where someone is coming from and how they tend to act. Consistency and predictability are necessary to a stable relationship. It just doesn't sound very freeing to me. I believe it's possible to have stability and freedom coexist in a healthy relationship.

Step Out of the Prison You've Created

You've perhaps heard tales of long-term prisoners standing at the gate of an open prison and not knowing what to do - not feeling comfortable with the idea of leaving the prison. Their identity as a prisoner had become so ingrained in them that they could no longer see any other kind of life. Freedom can be a scary thing for some. A newly released prisoner might feel a loss of predictability in their life. But the potential and freedom they now can enjoy is the way life was meant to be.

It is the same for all the relationship roles you take on. Your relationship to your community, business associates, children, or lover can all become like prisons if you confine yourself to an unchanging role within those relationships. Life is full of change. Relationship problems are one of the symptoms of a resistance to the inevitability of change.

If you find yourself feeling stuck with a recurring relationship problem, that may be an indication that you have become comfortably numb to a specific role created by yourself or others. How can you shake yourself out of these relationship problems?

Start by asking yourself these 4 questions:

1. How does my response to this relationship problem serve the greatest good of all? Reactions often come from habitual patterns based in our personal history. Instead, connect with your inner guidance which will help you to become an observer of the situation. As soon as you recognize you have this choice, you can begin to get beneath the habitual identities that prevent you from seeing things from a fresh perspective.
2. What do I need to communicate with my partner in order to step outside of this particular identity? As Susan and I are quick to point out to each other: "It's mostly about how and when you say it". See if you can say your intention clearly and without any blame. Change can be challenging but it doesn't have to be threatening to you or your partner.
3. Who do I want to become as a result of this change? Simply feeling stuck in a relationship problem is not enough of a reason to create a new identity. Instead of focusing on the problem, keep your greater intentions in mind. Allow everything to happen in its own perfect time. Stability can be maintained by first determining where you want to go before breaking free from where you are.
4. How can I bring about my new way of being (or not being) in this relationship? Decide on some specific steps you want to take to move away from the status quo. Change doesn't necessarily need to happen in quantum leaps. Take one step at a time. You may not feel comfortable taking some of these steps - but complacent comfort rarely produced anything particularly outstanding in this world.

You don't need to conform to anyone else's expectations but your own. When others see the dynamic way you move through life, they will most likely be inspired to join you. Jump out of your roles in a way that can't be predicted, but is sure to bring greater joy for all in the long run. Give your partner the freedom to do the same. You and those around you will all benefit from your new-found feeling of freedom.

If you would like relationship help in creating this kind of freedom faster, and with more fun and fewer relationship problems in the process, try out Relationship Coaching for free or see what other relationship help we offer at Inspiring-Self-Improvement.com.