Freeing Yourself from Relationship Problems

Relationship problems are something we all experience. One of the most common causes or challenges in relationships is time. Time is essential to the survival of any relationship. In our busy North American lifestyle it seems as though there is less and less quality time spent on relationships and hence relationship problems arise. An analogy I commonly use in coaching (especially with the guys) is to think of your relationship as a car... okay maybe not exactly... bear with me here! If you bought a car you loved and didn't put in gas regularly - well, you wouldn't be going very far. Let's say you put in gas and drove it a lot but never took it to the mechanic for oil changes or tune ups. The car wouldn't last too long and it's the same thing with relationships. If we don't put the time and energy in to maintain and sustain them, they become stale and more problematic. If you are experiencing relationship problems and are looking for relationship help, I'd start by asking yourself how much quality time and energy you really give to your relationship. Finding love is easier than keeping love. True love requires time and energy.

Relationship Problems

Another scenario is that you are putting in the time and still are experiencing relationship problems - this happens too! Time doesn't guarantee happiness or perfection. However, if we effectively deal with the problems, we can turn them into relationship opportunities and growth. If we ignore them, and sweep them under the rug, and keep pretending they aren't there when they rear their ugly heads - the relationship problems will only continue to grow. The choice is yours. There are lots of ways that work for different people in dealing with relationship problems. Here we offer a few ideas that work for us and some of my coaching clients. See what works for you.

Choices

One choice we all have is to keep our focus on the person we are having problems with and keep focusing on everything they are doing wrong that we think they should change. My question is - how is that working for you? We can either blame them (and stay stuck), or we can shift the focus to us. Yes, you guessed it, I recommend the latter because as hard as we may try we can truly only change ourselves and not others. So, what can we do?

Let's look at some options:

When I'm stuck in some challenge with Steve, I begin by trying to talk to him about it. When we can't seem to work through it by talking about it at first, I take time alone. When I can get a bit of distance from the problem it seems to really help. I'm a very verbal processor so sometimes I'll call a friend or sister to vent out my anger and frustration. Other times I'll write it out. Journaling can be very effective here. Another technique that I use is a form of mind mapping. The point is that it is very beneficial to get out your feelings when they are there and then move on. And here's the step I think a lot of people miss: to move on to what you DO want.

After you get clear on what you want, examine your role in the problem. How can you take responsibility for your own stuff? What can you change? When you get the clarity, do it. Forgiveness is the next powerful tool, you might want to forgive yourself first, and or the other. Remember, when all is resolved, do something to celebrate your self for sticking through it and seeing yet another problem turn into your own growth and learning. Below is a summary of some of the many options you have when experiencing relationship problems.

Empowering Options:

1. Put more quality time and energy into your relationship.
2. Try and talk it out with the person you are having problems with.
3. Get space and distance to vent out your feelings
4. Write out your feelings or speak them to a friend.
5. Then write down or say what you do want.
6. Take responsibility for your part by looking at what you can learn and change in you.
7. Ask for or give forgiveness if/when needed.
8. Celebrate your growth and learning.
9. Go have some fun together!

Healthy relationships are healthy because all involved put in quality time and energy into the relationship on a regular basis. Let me repeat that, I can't emphasize it enough...

Healthy relationships are healthy because all involved put in quality time and energy into the relationship on a regular basis!!

The key words being: healthy, ALL involved, quality, time, energy and regular. So I invite you to take an honest look at your relationships. If you are experiencing relationship problems could it be for one of these reasons? If you are having a hard time working things out on your own, there are other options available. Some people get relationship help from relationship books or relationship coaching or counseling. Life is too short to waste in unfulfilling relationships. Look at what you've got and what you can do to empower your situation.