Your Guide to Romance Tips

Here are some romance tips Susan and Steve have that can work no matter whether you are still finding love and looking for your true love, or whether you are already in a relationship with your soul mate. Since any love and relationship tips you read anywhere are only as good as the perspective of the person writing them, we've written this from both of our perspectives on romance to give you more ideas. Pick whatever works for you from the romance tips suggested in our conversation below and take action right away! Research shows that many couples come to couples therapy essentially too late to save their relationship. So whether you are still finding a partner or looking to keep a partner, we hope some of these romance tips will bring you closer to the romantic, healthy relationship that you desire.

Communication:

Susan - Communication is probably the most important key to long term juicy romance. Perhaps it's more so for women, but it will certainly benefit both sexes. A survey of more than one hundred thousand married women found that the greatest indicator of sexual and marital satisfaction was the ability to express their sexual feelings to their partners. The more they talked, the better they rated their romantic relationships, marriages and overall happiness.

Steve - Yes, and how is communication romantic? I get that communication is important to a relationship but what does it have to do with romance?

Susan - Romance is different for different people. For some it might be about nice bottles of wine and a candle light dinner. For others it might be about riding horses along a beach, or a simple picnic in the park. Communication is important so you can find out what your partner likes - you can find out how they want to be romanced.

Steve - It's definitely about the individual wants and desires, and certain things will seem more romantic to certain people than others. Is communication romantic in and of itself, or is communication just the tool to find the right romantic gesture?

Susan - Communication can enhance romance. And sometimes the process of communication is romantic. For example, if Steve and I are not communicating well and we feel distant, then I'm surely not interested in romance. But if we've had a great conversation that leaves me feeling all warm and fuzzy inside, then I feel open to connecting. There are a couple of different types of communication. One is communicating what is romantic to you so you know the other's romantic preferences; and the other is your overall communication that results in more connection with each other to then increase emotional and romantic intimacy.

It is challenging for many people to talk directly and openly - especially about sex with their partner - yet it can make such a huge difference when they take the time and effort to learn to. One of the most powerful romance tips I can suggest is to begin to express your romantic desires in a more direct and specific way. As you both learn to do this, you don't have to guess so much about what your partner might like. This direct communication can help avoid criticism and frustration. Over time a greater sense of safety, trust and intimacy can develop which then usually leads toward more satisfying and sustainable romance.

Steve - I agree - I'm maybe not a stereotypical male when it comes to romance. I don't believe that romance is simply a way to get great sex (although it may work out that way ;-) I find the real challenge is finding the romance tips that work like a one-of-a-kind magic spell on my true love. The romance tips you see in the magazines at the grocery checkout don't seem like a realistic or reliable guide for this sort of thing (unless you are a Hollywood Starlet.) Maybe it's that the ideal of romance feels more important than the actual romancing.

Romance Tips to Initiate

Steve - The whole notion of initiating anything positive in a healthy relationship is romantic for me too. Everyone likes to feel that their partner is putting time, thought, effort or energy into their relationship. That would feel good to anyone.

Here are some more specific romance tips I came up with:

1. Know what she likes - and remember it.
2. Surprise her with anything from number 1 - like whisking her away for a romantic weekend together or buying her favorite chocolate.
3. Give little gifts that are tailored especially and uniquely for her - like a love note on the pillow, or a bouquet of wildflowers that you gathered from a field.
4. Make her feel special. Like noticing and pointing out things you appreciate about her-tell her how pretty her eyes are, how you appreciate her compassionate parenting or how you so enjoy her light sense of humor.
5. Make an effort to connect emotionally. Learn to ask good questions with care and sincerity such as, "What is one thing I can do for you today?" A gentle, passing touch, or holding hands on a walk works too.

Susan - Those are all great romance tips. I personally feel that bringing flowers, getting thoughtful love notes, or even just getting some good chocolate is romantic. It's like he is thinking about me. I love being surprised. The important part is that he initiated it - and that I resonate with it too. Early on in our relationship, I expected him to just know what I wanted, and it didn't seem so romantic for me to just tell him outright. But given the choice, it worked best to just ask directly - especially in a new relationship. Better that than keep him guessing, or to have him give up all together. It's really common for relationships to start out all romantic, but at some point that energy can run down. That's when it takes some creativity to keep the love and romance alive. Romantic ideas might change over time - and that's why continued communication is so important.

So communication is my number one out of all the romance tips, but how you do you begin if neither of you are used to that level of intimacy? Well, start small and DECIDE to be courageous. Stretch out of your comfort zone, remembering that it can bring amazing clarity and feel really good when you make a deeper connection.

One of the phrases we say a lot in our house is "How and when you say it makes all the difference." Don't push or force things, just create an open space for it to take place naturally. Create a safe, respectful, non-judgmental tone to the conversation. Then pick a neutral time when you both have the time and space to talk. You could even give your partner a heads up that you'd like to talk more about romance in your relationship and schedule it. Make it clear you'd like to start having a more open and frequent dialogue about romance in your relationship.

Romance Tips: Time to Talk

Susan - When you have created the time to talk about your relationship with your partner, here are 11 guidelines you can start with to get the conversation going:

1. Be honest about any hesitancy to talk about romance.
2. Agree not to criticize
3. State your desires honestly and respectfully
4. Say what you want more of
5. Ask your partner their thoughts and feelings
6. Listen to what they say
7. Check in and make sure you both feel heard
8. Start with one thing you both want to do to enhance the romance
9. End with appreciation for the willingness to talk.
10. Gently remind each other to have a conversation again soon
11. Enough talking - Now go have some fun together!